Who gave you those black eyes?

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

I'll trust you that you paid

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

What's on your back?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Eating the piece of fruit

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Using nails on a house

These two republicans are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

Bragging about Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and clubs, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Diplomat wants water

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

A drunk Irisihman falls

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

The punishments in hell

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees George Bush with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bush doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

Blondes to the moon

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon.

The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars".

The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun".

One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?"

The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

Misunderstanding

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs fordinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"

3 man at the Bar

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

A nun

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of thebushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin andbreak her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding onthe floor, the guy looks down and says:You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.

RedNeck Friends

Poor Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over

Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Zeke to identify the body

Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

Zeke said, "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."

Not so smart

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

Papa is OK

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Whats Her name...

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Tired of Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says to the social worker, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Sir your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes. All your clothing will be provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. Your starting salary will be $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

New Teacher

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

What a large crowd

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

Going to the office

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another half drunk man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The two drunks head out the door and to his car and they stumble at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home , but where's his wheel chair?"

Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

The real problem

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-really stink terribly."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "