Misunderstanding

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs fordinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"

3 man at the Bar

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

A nun

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of thebushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin andbreak her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding onthe floor, the guy looks down and says:You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.

RedNeck Friends

Poor Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over

Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Zeke to identify the body

Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

Zeke said, "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."

Not so smart

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

Papa is OK

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Whats Her name...

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."